Circle Of Life

Early Wednesday, July 22, 2009 my sweet daddy laid to rest. A few days prior, we brought him home from the hospital when it became clear that there was nothing more the doctors could do for him. Rather than continue invasive treatments, my daddy decided that he wanted to begin hospice care in the comfort of his own home, surrounded by family. That Monday he called Ryan, Uncle Matt, and Aunt Lisa to ask that they fly in. He also called other family members and friends to say goodbye. It was so surreal at the time and it continues to be. That night we gathered around him and stood vigil as he quickly deteriorated. We held hands, stroked his head, cuddled, shared memories, laughed, and cried. Unfortunately, the pain became unbearable and he asked that we call 911 for an ambulance transport to the hospital with the hopes of getting some relief. We were only at Metroplex for about 10 minutes before he took his final breaths. I wish that I could say he went peacefully in his sleep. The days following are all a blur. Then, on Monday, July 27 family and friends from near and far gathered for the most impressive service. Chris delivered a phenomenal eulogy, Ryan told silly stories, I read my Father's Day poem, Ronny sang two beautiful songs, friends shared special memories, and Scott escorted daddy to his final destination. If it had to be, his memorial far surpassed anything he could have imagined. The words people used to describe my dad are not common of many. My dad was inspiring. Truly inspiring.

Since that day, nearly two months ago, I have sat down to write this "first" entry countless times. I'm able to detail events that took place, but I can't yet articulate my emotions. Mere words can't seem to do my intense feelings justice. Because of that, I've been avoiding. Yes, this blog is primarily about my precious baby girl, but Sylvie is not independent of the rest of my life. Her birth is not mutually exclusive of my dad's death. My mom always told me that dying was a part of living. She's right. Sylvie's existence is symbolic of the proverbial "circle of life." His life ended just as hers begun. With that said, I felt like I couldn't move forward with this blog unless I addressed one of the most significant (THE most traumatic) events of my life. I've since decided that I don't have to, nor can I, sum it up in a single post. Why did I ever think that was necessary? I'm still feeling. I'm still hurting. And that pain will continue. I will never get over losing my dad and I will always miss him. But it's time for me to start therapy. My therapy. I will begin writing again.

~Daddy's Little Princess